(Note: Readers have noted the striking similarities between said film and my 1995 autobiographical novella, Well, I’m Going To Die: One Man’s Unlikely Acid Experience During The Rio De Jenairo Electrical Blackout of 1981 . An infringement suit has been filed in my cabinet drawer marked “Potential Infringement Suits.”)
In last week’s column I vowed to embrace the technology of the 2000′s and explore the apparent advantages computers have to offer. So, for the first time, I am writing not from behind my Devry University embossed typewriter, but an actual Dell Personal Computer! I’m using “software” (No, you don’t WEAR it!) called “Windows” (the name of my brother Brian’s high school Doors cover band) which, when having “loaded” (a term my mother applied to Father after a day at the races) brings you to a screen that could, in a way, be described as a virtual “Desktop”.
Adorable
What’s nice about a computer’s “Desktop” is that behind all the “things” you can click, Maria has demonstrated how one designates a custom picture as a backdrop. Now, before jumping to that snapshot of baby Elliot perched inside a clay flower pot as if he were a vivacious Dandilion himself, you may want to note the first rate photography Windows provides on file. Take, for instance, the arching desert landscape balanced by rich, royal blue sky. Stunning.
Eye-catching
Be forewarned: After around three to four minutes of inactivity, the screen will be “saved” by hypnotic displays of swirling color and abstract visual chaos (a similar unsettling experience is detailed in Chapter 9 of Well, I’m Going To Die…). Recoiling in fear isn’t necessary, I found — it’s merely the computer’s way of conserving energy, a move Filmmaker Al Gore would surely approve of (Idea Alert: "A Conveinient Loose Tooth” would be a funny name for a children’s book about fairies!).
At this point, I felt ready to open a “Word Document”, the program that mimics a typewriter’s “Blank Page”.
To reiterate, this world of computers and technology is new to me. Staring across the grid of arrows and small, blinking vertical lines can feel daunting.
Clippy: A Warm Soul
What an absolute joy it was, then, to meet a friend who understood my virgin-like hesitance, who could guide and nurture my journey into the unknown. No, it wasn’t the wonderful Maria this time; she was on her cigarette break. Rather, I am referring to Clippy, the animated paper clip who resides with such enthusiasm and infectious wonder in the lower right hand corner of the Word Document window. Clippy’s ability to offer invaluable tips, shortcuts, and suggestions with affability and wry humor could, frankly, draw comparisons to—I’m sorry, it’s true—Dr. Ben Stein’s glory days as a freewheeling trivia game show host on Comedy Central.
EPIPHANY ALERT: The remarkably Web savvy 14 year-old and self-proclaimed “Latina Princess” sitting to my right - a title proudly displayed on her shirt in beautiful, rhinestone cursive - just typed this on her screen: ;P
 |
| The pleasure is mine, Madam |
Do you see it? It’s a specific code that uses characters to evoke a face winking while sticking out its tongue in a playful, flirtatious manor. I’m speechless.
Is this a sign of what’s to come from my exploration of the World Wide IntraMatrix? I sure hope so, because for the first time in my life, I’m experiencing the intoxicating thrill of breaking the stagnant, time-honored rules of classically written English my father swore violently by for so many years.
Sorry Dad. Time’s a fickle fish. There’s a new language, now: The Language of Choice. The choice to be foolish and have fun with words. The boat’s here, folks. Either get in or get out; women and children first, followed by the Next Generation of Everyone, Everywhere. (Note: Titanic was a great film but stretched the truth in some areas of the script.)
Seinfeldians, I have to admit: I may be turning into a techno-freak-geek after all.
As always, thanks for reading! See you next week!
;P ~mWaH~
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